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Dr Goodlove answers your questions about life

Dr Goodlove’s answers will stay here for a while and then get sorted into the FAQ sections on the right.

Hey, recently my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he no longer had feelings for me. My immediate reaction was pissed off and wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. But now i feel so depressed ( i already suffer from Clinical Depression) and i cant help but bawl my eyes out, i have never felt this way before. It's got to the stage i cry myself to sleep, and then wake up and cry. Hurting myself makes me feel better. But i'm scared of what i'll do. I cant live without him. R, 17
Dr Goodlove replies:
Dear R, It is very hard when a relationship breaks up and especially when it wasn't your choice. The feelings of anger and depression that you are going through are normal though they feel awful. It is a loss and you are grieving. At the moment it feels as if you can't live without him, but it will get easier over time and you will get past this. However I know it is hard to see this when you are in the middle of it. It is important that you are not alone in dealing with this. Do you have a friend or family member you can talk with about how you are feeling? You could also see a counsellor for free at 198 Youth Health Centre at 198 Hereford Street phone 379 4800. You need to let someone else know that you are hurting yourself so they can help. Good luck and hope you feel better soon.
hey i asked this this girl i like out and she said that she wants to get to know me more then she probably would, what exactly do you think she means by this, i thought i could go out with a girl and get to know her while going out, she seems interested in me and i dont know how to get her to go out with me? we do group things but we have never been alone to talk about that king of stuff. please help if you can, cheers. Jay, 17
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Jay
I think she means what she says, that she wants to get to know you more first before going out with you on your own. I think you need to continue with the group things until you know each other better.
Be patient. Relationships take time. If you really like her it's worth the wait. Leave it a while and then ask her again. Hope it works out.
Hi, so 1 month ago me and my boyfriend had unprotected sex, the next day i took the Emergency Contraceptive Pill, then the next week i took a pregnancy test, it was negative. 5 days later i got my period and it was normal. But for the past week or so i was so sick, but think it may just be a bug as my mum had the same symptoms. Do you think there is any chance at all that i could be pregnant? rj, 17
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Rj
If your mum had the same symptoms it probably was a bug that made you sick rather than pregnancy.
If you are still concerned about being pregnant have another test with a doctor or nurse to put your mind at rest.
Im uncomfortable with my boyfriend looking at porn is that normal?
I get really angry and sad I just want to dump him. Ive told him I dont like him looking at it but he doesnt care what can I do?
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Sarah
Is it normal to look at porn? Well, a lot of people do it but that doesn't mean you have to like it or put up with it. If your boyfriend still does this when he knows it upsets you then you need to look at the relationship and whether it is worth hanging on to. If he doesn't care what you say or think it doesn't sound like a good relationship. You deserve better.
I get really pissed off when other girls are stareing at my boyfriend I have high suspicion that he is stareing back now that makes me very paranoid and pissed of at him and then he gets pissed off at me for being paranoid but I think Im being safe I have no idea how to handle the situation and how to channel my anger, pleas help. Taylor, 16
Dr Goodlove replies
Hi Taylor,
Umm, it is normal human behaviour to look at other people. Yep, I know some people seem to stare, but you seem to be over reacting some what. Could you be jealous? Possible? Maybe they are looking, because he is good to look at. May be they envy you. Either way it’s not doing you much good stewing and worrying about it. Really not attractive. I’d be a bit worried it might drive him away. Maybe if you can’t relax about it you need to talk to someone about the anger. 198 Youth Health Centre on Hereford Street offers free counselling services – call 3794 800. Or a school nurse or counsellor or Youth line.
How long should you wait before having sex with your boyfriend? Does having sex early in the relationship (less than a month in) make it more likely to fail? I want to have sex with my bf but I want our relationship to last too. F, 18
Dr Goodlove replies,
Hi ‘F’, There is no set time, it does depend on the relationship and how both people feel about each other and having sex. It is good to develop the relationship first so you feel safe and relaxed with other first. Being friends first gives you some place to stand to sort out any problems in the relationship. There’s no hurry, there’s plenty of things you can do with each other’s bodies without going all the way.
When you do decide to have sex, plan it. Think about protection from pregnancy and STIs.
My clitoris is too sensitive to touch. This is the case when I touch it myself, when my current bf tries to touch it, and also with my previous bfs. It doesn't hurt as such, it's more of an uncomfortable feeling, bordering on ticklish, but not funny. Just not a nice feeling. Is this somewhat normal? Should I get help or just keep asking my bf to avoid this area? Jenny, 18
Dr Goodlove,
Hi Jenny,
I think you have put it well with your first sentence. It may not always be so sensitive. This means that, for now, stimulation needs to be everywhere around the clitoris without direct touch. Experiment with your bf ( and yourself) and be sure to communicate clearly with him about what feels good and does not. If you continue to be concerned about this, I suggest you need to talk to a female doctor about it, for example the doctors at FPA (Family Planning) are really comfortable talking about all things sexual.
The past few days my urine has had a strong smell of bacon, and it smells BAD. Afterwards it sometimes has a burning pain too. The urine was a bit darker than normal, but still yellow and the white substance I find in my underwear was a bit darker than normal too. I read somewhere that someone said their urine smelt of bacon when they just started having sex after long breaks from it, and I lost my virginity to my boyfriend a few days before it started happening and we had sex the night after too. Do you think this might be why? I'm afraid I might have an STI. We have been having oral sex for several months already but nothing like this has ever happened. Kim, 14
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Kim. You could have a urinary tract infection. If it continues to be a problem you need to see a nurse or doctor to check it out and get it treated. You could see your school nurse if you don't want to go to your GP. You could also go to Evolve Youth Health Service at 5 Eva Street, ph
801 9150 or Vibe at Hutt Valley, 12 Daly Street ph 566 0525. Hope this helps.
my boyfriend has moved into my house recently also my older sister and her boyfriend. my boyfriend has been perving at my sisters boobs and i confronted him about that he said he was srry and that he will never do it again but this has happened before in the past with other girls. also my sister knows that he has been perving but hasnt told me anything i am really hurt by both of them...what do i do?
Dr Goodlove replies, Hi Amy, It is hard to see how bad the situation is. I know it bothers you but if he is just looking at your sister's boobs now and then, that is pretty normal. Humans do look at each other's bodies, it's normal. If he is trying to get into the bathroom to see her naked that's another thing. Try not to focus on it too much and see if that helps. Spend some special time together with your boyfriend away from home - don't forget to date each other, have special times - it doesn't need to cost the earth - a coffee at a cafe, or walk in the park.
me and my 17 year old boyfriend want to have sex, but we want to both use the pill and condoms. where can i get the pill in wellington? i know i could go to a doctor but are they allowed to tell my parents or anything because i'm underage? Harriet, 14
Dr Goodlove replies,
Hi Harriet,
You could go to Family Planning (FPA) or, as you say, any doctor. Is the doctor allowed tell your parents? Well, yes, as you are under 16 years old. But unless your parents also go to that doctor and ask how would it happen. The doctor would not ring them up. Hutt Valley have a youth health service called Vibe on 04 566 0525 and Evolve in Eva Street on 04 8019150, so give them a call to see when the doctor is on. Good on you for sorting out things like contraception.
Hi, i have not been circumsised, but if you looked you would assume i had when erect and not erect. It has not always been this way, it happened slowely over about 6 months when i was about 15, no pain was ever involved. it just started sliding back. I don't understand why, is this at all common? i have not shown or talked to anyone about it. Sean, 18
Dr Goodlove replies, Dear Sean, This sounds all very normal to me. It is usual for the foreskin to move back and forth as you describe. It may be that happened a bit later than usual for you but really not anything to worry about especially as there is no pain involved. If you continue to worry about it you will need to see a doctor just to be 110% sure it’s OK.
i went to my mums boyfreinds house and he brought this other guy home and this guy tired to kiss me and asked me a lot of horrible questions can you please hlp me. isabell, 15
Dr Goodlove replies:
Dear Isabell,
This sounds like an awful experience for you and you really need some support with this situation. This guy’s behaviour is just not OK. Avoid going to your mum’s boyfriend’s house again when your mum isn’t there if you possibly can. Also you need to tell your mum or another adult you can trust about what happened. This is not something you have to deal with on your own Isabell.
Do you need to have an adult with you to get the pill? Jo, 13
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Jo. No, you don’t need an adult with you to get the pill at any age.
What STI's do they check for in a sexual health check up? Jo, 13
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Jo
When you have a sexual health check up they check for all the common STIs – Chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, genital warts and herpes (if you have visible warts or herpes sores). They do this by examining the genital area and by taking swabs (samples from the vagina). They will do a blood test for syphilis and hepatitis B. You can also ask for an HIV test if you want one. Also if you have ever injected drugs they will test you for hepatitis C as well.
How can you tell the difference between lust and love? Lisa, 18
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Lisa,
Love is a on a deeper level to lust and it lasts much longer. Lust feels like if you don’t have sex with this person you’ll burst, while love feels like you really want to get to know this person completely and do other things with them, not only have sex. Love can include a strong sexual attraction but it is not only that.
Do you question the authenticity of the questions? Phoebe, 17
Dr Goodlove replies:
Hi Phoebe,
Yes, sometimes I do question how authentic they are, but I answer them all anyway as other people read our answers and it could help someone else with a similar problem. Good question.
Is it good to have sex?
Having sex can be very good if you are ready for it and with someone you feel safe and relaxed with. But don’t rush into it.
WHAT IS DR G?
Dr Goodlove is a fantastic online service through the Christchurch City Libraries web page. It is sponsored by the local Public Health Service and is designed to answer some of the questions on life, love, sexuality, and relationships. Nice to hear from you.