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Please note: The Pulse Te Auaha and Doctor G have previously referred readers to the 198 Youth Health Centre.

This service no longer operates, but 198 Youth Health Centre counsellors now work from Waipuna Trust, 349 Woodham Road, Christchurch.
Phone 386 2159 to make an appointment. They provide a youth support service.

Find more local youth health and social services from Webhealth Canterbury.

Dr G's frequently asked questions: Am I gay or lesbian?

I’m gay I think. How can I tell?
Dr G replies:
You don’t say why you think you are gay. Often gay people say they always felt attracted to people of the same sex as themselves rather than the opposite sex and that is how they knew. But it is also common for all people to have crushes on people of both genders while they are growing and developing so don’t rush into making any big decisions about this. You have plenty of time to decide what is right for you.
If this is coming from other people rather from your self i.e. if other people are saying you are gay, again just take your time and see what makes sense for you. There is a lot of name-calling that goes on in schools, especially towards people who are a bit different in some way. This doesn’t mean they are gay necessarily. Enjoy your friendships with both males and females and over time it will become clear to you.

Support

supportListing of gay and lesbian support agencies from Canterbury District Health Board.
[608 Kb .pdf]

You could also go and have a talk with a counsellor at 198 Youth Health Centre if this is really worrying you. They are used to talking about issues like this. They are at 198 Hereford Street, phone 379 4800 and it is a free service. If this continues to be an issue for you over the next year there is a group in Christchurch called Q’topia which offers a social and support programme for young people who identify as gay or lesbian, from 14-25 years. You can contact them on qtopia@rainbow.net.nz. I hope this helps.
i was just wondering if it is normal to be attracted to both guys and girls??i feel physicaly attrected to guys but i get along really well with grils, i also find them attrective but not as much,can u help?? james, 16
Dr G replies:
Hi James, This is not unusual. Research has shown that it is quite normal for young people to experience attractions to both guys and girls. Sometimes it’s a short term experience and for others it lasts longer and could mean they are bisexual. Most relationships are better founded on friendship so just enjoy your friendships with both guys and girls and see what happens.
I’m a boy and I like boys -  is that normal?
Dr G replies:
Yes, it is normal for some guys to like other boys or to feel attracted to them. Many people experience attractions to people of the same sex as they are growing up. This can mean they are gay or lesbian, but not necessarily. I would say don’t rush into assuming you are gay. Just enjoy your relationships and attractions. You are fine. There are some good websites you may want to have a look at. Try www.rainbowyouth.org.nz. They have some good links to explore. If you would like to talk more about this with someone you could make an appointment to see a counsellor at 198 Youth Health Centre, 198 Hereford Street, phone 379 4800.
Why am I gay? Kirsten
Dr G replies:
Hi Kirsten, There are different theories about why people are gay. Some think gay people are just born that way, that's just the way they are. Others think there is some sort of choice involved. Some people are bisexual, equally attracted to both women and men. I am wondering why you think you are gay. Generally people know they are gay because they are consistently more attracted to people of the same sex rather than to the opposite sex. Some people feel they knew they were gay from very early in their lives, while for others it's a more gradual process of realisation. It can be hard to work out when you are young as it is common for young people to have crushes on other people, both male and female, and this does not necessarily mean you are gay. I would say take your time over this and enjoy the attractions and friendships you have. You don't need to make a decision about it at this point. If you would like to talk with someone about it you could ring Gay and Lesbian Line on 379 4796. Their hours are Monday 7.30-9pm and Saturday 10am-noon. If you have more questions do get back to me.
I am a girl and I like my best friend who is a girl. But I am not a lesbian. Need help.
Dr G replies,
Sounds like the friendship with this girl is quite intense. That’s fine, it doesn’t have to mean or be anything else. You can like another girl without being a lesbian, it doesn’t have to be a sexual thing. Relax and enjoy the friendship.
How do u know if u are gay?
Dr G replies:
People know they are gay because they feel more attracted to people of the same sex as themselves, rather than to the opposite sex. This can include romantic feelings and sexual feelings. But this can often take a while to work out and it is important not to rush into deciding you are gay when you are young. It is common for young people to have "crushes" on people of the same sex as well as the opposite sex but this doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. It will become clearer over time. If you want to talk to someone about it Gay and Lesbian Line is one place to go. The phone number is 379 4796 and it runs every Monday 7.30 - 9pm, Thursday 8-9pm, Saturday 10am - 12pm. All calls are confidential.

There are some resources you could read also. "The Word" is a booklet that you can read on the web at http://www.theword.org.nz. It includes information on sex and relationships. There is also a booklet called "Sisters" if you are a girl (not sure from your name). You can pick up a copy of both at CHIC (Community Health Information Centre) at 76 Chester Street East (just next to the Centennial Leisure Centre by Madras Street). They are free and you can just go in and take them off the shelves. I hope this helps aj. Good luck and let me know if you have more questions.
Hey, i just started a new school, which is really small, 30 ppl in my year. I was wondering how to tell if someone else is gay, without asking them.. cause I think if I asked them now, and found out that they weren’t then I would kinda be outed to everyone, which would REALLY not be good at a new school, especially one so small, it would spread like wildfire!
Help!
Dr G replies,
I think you are quite right to be cautious about ‘coming out’ in a small school. Is there anyway to tell if someone is gay? No, not really. Make friends with him and see how it goes. In the meantime you might like to contact q’topia youth group which is a gay and lesbian youth group – contact a facilitator on 021 17753 631 or email q_topia @hotmail.com or www.qtopia.rainbow.net.nz
I think I’m gay and I have tried everything to be straight but I just seem to go for guys. can you please help me - I don’t want to be gay.
Dr G replies:
I think it would be a good idea for you to go to talk with someone about your feelings about being gay. There is a free youth service here in Christchurch called 198 Youth Health Centre, situated at 198 Hereford Street where you could make an appointment to see a counsellor. Their phone number is 379 4800. Think first about whether you would prefer to see a male or a female counsellor. It is not easy to look at the possibility of being different and I’m sure it will help to talk with someone in person about how it is for you. Many people do live happy fulfilled lives as gay or lesbian people.
guysI feel strange around other boys what can i do?
Dr G replies:
It is hard to know how to advise you without more information. If you are just generally feeling uncomfortable around other boys and finding it hard to develop friendships with them then going to a website like Attitude at http://www.attitude.org.nz/ could help you to feel more relaxed and to learn some skills for making friends. If the issue is that you are feeling attracted to other boys i.e. sexually then it may help to know that it is common to have same sex attractions as well as opposite sex attractions when going through adolescence. This is quite normal and doesn’t necessarily mean you are gay. It may help to go and have a talk with a counsellor about this if it is worrying you e.g. at your local youth health centre. They are used to discussing issues like this and the services are often free.
I was wondering if there is any way to change your sexuality, cause I’m gay, and I have been to all the sites about accepting yourself, but the thing is I just really don’t want to be gay! so if you have anything that would be of use to me I would appreciate it greatly. Thanks.
Dr G replies:
Hi. I think it would be really good for you to go and talk with someone about this. Issues around sexual identity can be very complex and need to be explored in person ideally. There is no pamphlet I can send you that will cover this. I suggest you go to see a counsellor at 198 Youth Health Centre at 198 Hereford Street as you live in Christchurch. Ring them at 379 4800 to make an appointment. Think about whether you would rather see a male or a female. It is a free service. Talking with someone can really help to sort out issues that are bothering us. Good luck with this. If you really feel unable to go and talk with someone in person get back in touch but I think this is the best approach.
Need help – I’m stuck in a girl’s body but I want to be a boy. Help me please.
Dr G replies:
I have been looking around my networks to see I can find a good referral point for you to see someone who specialises in these issues. It seems that the best thing is to start with a counsellor at the free 198 Youth Health Centre at 198 Hereford Street and you can make an appointment by calling 3794800. Think about whether you want to talk to a man or woman. All visits to 198 are confidential and they can usually fit you in within two weeks.
Talking to a caring adult in person can really help you to see the issue more clearly and answer any specific questions you may have; something not possible on line.
Help!! I have started to really care for my bestfriend but I think I might like her more than a bestfriend should because I get jealous when she flirts with guys and anything she says i do for her. I love everything about her and i txt her 24/7.I lyk guys too but they will never compare to her. Am I gay or is it normal to love my mate this much?
Dr G replies:
It is normal for a young person to have intense feelings like those you describe towards a friend. Many people have this experience. It is also normal to have jealous feelings when friends give attention to other people. I don’t think you should assume you are gay because of this. If you and your friend are both happy with your friendship as it is, I don’t think there is a problem. All friendships and relationships change over time so it may not always be this intense. Just enjoy it.

Got more questions?

If you have a question that has not been answered, you can ask Dr G.