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Please note: The Pulse Te Auaha and Doctor G have previously referred readers to the 198 Youth Health Centre.

This service no longer operates, but 198 Youth Health Centre counsellors now work from Waipuna Trust, 349 Woodham Road, Christchurch.
Phone 386 2159 to make an appointment. They provide a youth support service.

Find more local youth health and social services from Webhealth Canterbury.

Dr G's frequently asked questions: Breaking up

My boy friend has broken up with me and I’m taking it hard. what shall I do? I think that its all my fault.
Dr G replies:
Ouch! It really hurts when someone breaks up with you and it does take a bit of time to get over the hurt feelings. Having someone to talk with about it can really help like a good friend or older sister. Don’t be too hard on yourself as it doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. Try to concentrate on other friendships and things you enjoy while you recover. Be kind to yourself. As you start to feel better again you could even think of it as his loss, not yours!.
All my girlfriend wants to do is kiss and make out in public. I just want to talk to her and chill with her. But she is always too busy when it comes to chilling. I’ve tried to talk to her when we are in public but she won’t listen. Should I dump her?
Dr G replies:
It doesn’t sound as if you are getting what you want from this relationship and that really you are both wanting different things. If she is not willing to listen to you I don’t think this relationship has much of a future. You deserve to be with someone who values your feelings. Time to move on I think.
How do you break up with someone nicely?
Dr G replies.
Breaking up with someone can be difficult. It is for most people. The best thing is to do it in time. By that I mean don't let it hang on, going about with someone you don't really want to be with. So do tell this person, face to face, by yourselves, not in anywhere public. Just say that you no longer want to be their girlfriend or boyfriend, and be there to hear what they say without being pulled into staying with them because you feel sorry for them. Yes, make sure the break up is done in private so they have time to recover, remember that you once did like this person.
I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend of one year (my first girlfriend). I can't stop crying, don't sleep or eat and I can't understand why she left. She won't tell me let alone talk to me. I can't think of any reason why? What's wrong with me? She said she didn't feel any love from me but I do love her so much. I don't think I realised how much till she'd gone. What do I do?
Dr G replies: I'm sorry to say but there is no real cure for a broken heart, except time. It is hard when the other person will not talk to you or give you a second chance, but that's how it is sometimes and most of us do go through this and survive it. Take time to heal, talk to friends, and do things you enjoy. It does get better.
My boyfriend and I have been steadily dating for over two years. I love him very much, he's my best friend. But lately we've been arguing a lot and I'm finding out a lot of things I didn't know about him. Things that I am passionate about, he doesn't care about. We really have almost nothing in common. I want to marry him and he wants to marry me, but will we be happy if we do? Am I just holding onto him because he's a sense of security? I don't feel happy now, so if we spend time apart, will I be happier? What am I supposed to do? We've been able to work through things before, but this seems different.
Dr G replies:
Basic survival rule number one; ‘if in doubt don’t do it’.
It sounds as if you already know the answer to this. You say you have almost nothing in common, and you don’t feel happy now. Not the best start to a marriage. Much better to wait and see how things go. To have a partner who is not passionate about the same things as you is quite a gap.  I think your hunch about security might be right. Don’t rush into things, there is plenty of time.
What should I say to someone that just broke up with somebody and I really want to help them feel better.
Dr G replies.
It sounds like you’re a really good friend. It can be hard to know how to help sometimes. I think it’s good to listen to your friend talk about how they are feeling without getting into a major slanging match about the person they broke up with. Distracting them by talking about other things can help if you have first listened to them. Just be there, it takes time for someone to start to feel better about a break up and for their feelings to mend.
Hi I have a bf but i like this other guy and i don't know how to tell my bf. Please help
Dr G replies:
There is no easy way to do this. You just need to be honest with your boyfriend and tell him that you like this other guy. I notice that people seem to couple up very young now and then worry about who they should be with and whether they like this one or that one. I’d say just relax and have lots of friends and enjoy them. You don’t want to set out to hurt people but I don’t think it needs to be so serious either.
Me and my boyfiend broke up awhile ago but i see there is not anymore luv between us .but the odd thing is i still have feelings for him. Is this weird?
Dr G replies:
No it is not weird to still have feelings for someone even after you have broken up. Feelings don’t end just like that. You can still have feelings of love or attraction for someone even if you have both decided your relationship is not working. This is normal.

Got more questions?

If you have a question that has not been answered, you can ask Dr G.